Christian Ambrose writes from Hollywood, CA: Kbird's, you guys really layed some thick shit down at that last show on Melrose. When the fuck are you guys gonna rock my socks off again?

Dude, It just so happens that we are playing a swell gig on 8/28 at the world famous WHISKY A GO-GO! So listen son, get your shoes shined and comb your hair. Grab that lucky rubber from the jar under your bed and prepare to get ROCKED!.
--Christian

Jenna Casper writes from Winterset, Iowa: Hey Guys, You really rock! My big brother always picks his nose and flings it at me and sometimes he cups his farts and puts it under my nose. When I tell him to stop, he does it more. What can I do?

Wow, that’s a tough one Jenna. We had that same problem with Skyla for the first 2 years. Finally, I urinated in his bed and video taped him laying down on it. Then we got in a fist fight. Anyways, the point of the story is, you should explain that when he does these things it hurts your feelings. If that doesnt work, take a photo of him jerking off and explain that youll share the photos with the rest of the school if he fucks with you anymore.
--Gaz

Greg Shuler from Saginaw, MI writes: Dear Killingbird, My girlfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. I wanna lay her down, but she's always cooling things off when I rub my boner on her. What should I do?

Thanks, Greg

Well Greg, this is Christian writing you back. Now, it's no secret that I lay down upwards of 12 chicks a week. So here's my advice: Take a good long dump. Take a shower and put on your best Killingbird T-shirt. Then when your lady comes to pick you up at your mom's house, ask her to come in and check out your CD collection. Then throw on the first Killingbird CD. Now, look in her eyes and say, "Babe, I need to give you my love...every inch of my love...You make me whole and I got such a chub for you. My baby shake longs to shoot across your back and glisten in the candle light". If that doesn't work, buy her a Killingbird shirt and a six pack of Amstel Lite.